les jeux sont faits...

mandala wallpaper

2007-03-08T17:38:00.001-08:00

only the gods know...

2006-06-26T03:29:00.000-07:00

change
its late. or should i say early?
ive been up all night. its daylight now. not tired yet though.

so much has changed in just the past 2 months. amazing how life can spin on you. its been hard to adjust, not bad, just hard. and confusing. crazy. change.

change.
everything changes.

in the past two months ive graduated from college yet havent moved on from this lifestyle yet. here in chambana for this summer. my last hurrah.

and in these few months ive experienced a huge upheaval. ive matured into a responsible adult while still playing like a teenager. ive realized the importance of new true friends while appreciating those old friends, who although may not be as close anymore are still vital to my identity.

ive left my old love and found a new one
ive learned you can love two people at the same time and that i can gather the courage to make a hard decision.

ive learned that sexuality is fluid.
love knows no bounds
not race, nor class nor gender.

ive also learned what it feels like to be a victim to prejudice.
the instant moment of pain, fear and panic that occurs if you dont learn to be strong.
it is hard to be regarded as if in a subhuman category
ive learned this world can be a cruel place, making one feel like a freak simply because you love someone of the same gender

yet it is also a wonderful beautiful place when shared with people that are important to you

ive learned the vicarious position i'm in with my family. must i maintain my facade? could i ever reveal to them every part of who i really am?
...without the fear of being disowned?
...does unconditional love exist?

ive learned that religion today is nothing but a tool of manipulation:
if the love of a human being knows no boundries how could the love of a god?

ive learned that you can not run from your past, it will always catch up to you, grab you and slap you in the face. you have to stop, turn around and wrestle it down.

there are things that have happened to me that i have tried to cope with by forgetting. ive learned you have to cope and forge through issues fully before you can move on and forget fully. theres no way around it. you have to face your demons head on.

ive learned there are times that you will feel incredibly abandoned and scared. but this world will always provide comfort if you look in the right places

i have changed so much in just the last two months. i dont feel like the same person. in just two months i have experienced so many different (both positive and negative) new feelings emotions and moments it has reshaped my self incredibly

so bizarre how it all happened so quickly.

only the gods know who i will be a year from now.

for now,
i am loving and living.
hoping and trusting.
believing.

just thought id share

2006-05-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

havnt been on this thing in a while, reading over my old blogs is both amusing and embarassing. but enjoyable

i feel so much older now. and even tho 2 summers ago was THE summer, the summer where i got crapped on by life 3 times in 3 months and i was forced into seeing the grittiest of life and maturing and growing stronger, this past year has definitely been an evolving year as well and i appreciate that summer so much now.

my last undergrad college year, over. and now its time to grow up. but instead of being scared im actually a bit excited. its time.

just thought id share even tho these things r so self absorbing haha

et le plus essential c'est d'avoir faire ce qu'on avait a faire

2005-08-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

i'm back @ U of I for my senior year and i DO NOT WANT TO GRADUATE. i do not want to grow up and have to be responsible.

i have no idea what i'm going to do with myself as of now. Peace Corps? California Institute of Integral Studies for wholistic studies? Grad School for ESL? Working as a teacher's aide first? Teach English overseas or in Mexico?

ahhh. i dont like not knowing what i'm going to do with myself. the unknown of it, the responsibility of it. its all so existential: I know that I am now at a point where what happens to me in my life is now finally under my control, I am completely responsible for anything that does or can happen now; and its the scariest thing in the world.

damn u Sartre for putting these ideas in my head!

to bear or not to bear...

2005-07-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

ive heard it soo many times. a woman saying she doesnt feel complete or a "real woman" unless she has children. obviously, that is the purpose of the female gender in a species, to procreate and continue the genetic line, but should I have kids just because i'm supposed to? risk screwing up someone's life who never asked to be born simply because that is the expected thing to do?

i dunno if i want to have children. my father says i'm being selfish. but in fact, i think its a selfLESS thing to do. to give up such an incredible moment of one's life for the health safety and wellbeing of children already on this earth??? how many children are homeless or parentless on this planet? shouldn't we be trying to help those in need rather than be selfish and choose to continue our genetic lines, which isn't always a good thing.

maybe it is selfish, maybe its simply that i dont want all the responsibility and sacrifice that comes with giving birth. but there is still responsibility and sacrifice involved in raising an adopted child if not more!

maybe i'm being young and idealistic. maybe i'll grow out of it. but i dont think anyone should ever try to talk someone out of a good deed.

if i'm supposedly being selfish for keeping my genetics out of the gene pool, or for depriving my parents of grandchildren, then how selfish is it to act as if the sole reason you gave life to a child was to have grandchildren? i understand every parent wants to see their children happily married and having children. but should they try to convince me to have kids when its something i dont think i want? convinve me to do something they want at the cost of my own freedom to choose my own source of happiness. that sounds selfish to me.

besides, most likely than not, this is simply a phase that will be drawn to an end once i marry someone special enough to make me want to have children with him. and the only thing my dad is doing by trying to convince me that this is what i should do, is encouraging me to be more stubborn about this ideal.

beer, cocktails and wine

2005-07-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

now that i'm finally 21, this summer has been one of broadening my alcohol horizons. i can finally move beyond the cheap college campus alcohol and on to good quality trendy downtown chicago lounge drinks.

no matter what, a shot of good whiskey will always be close to my heart no matter how college that may seem to be, however, as of now these are my new favorite "Good" drinks (in descending order):

top 3 beers:
1. Le Fin du Monde
2. Blue Moon
3. Stella

top 3 mixed drinks:
1. Blue Sapphire Gin & Tonic
2. 3 Olives Martini w/a shot of Bloody Mary Mix
3. Whiskey Sours

top 3 wines:
1. Pinot Nnoir
2. Sauvignon Blanc
3. White Zinfandel (only WITH an olive)

top 3 shots:
1. whiskey (will forever love it, im a whiskey girl)
2. orgasm
3. tequila (hey i'm mexican!)

summer con't

2005-06-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

so the summer has been goin well so far. i've seen so many old friends, its been amazing. i was especially happy to see one specific friend of mine, i hadn't seen him in about a year and 1/2 since he moved out west, i missed him.

i went back to champaign for a week or so to help out @ the COmmunity Psychology Conference. That was interesting; psychologists, sociolgists and anthropologists from around the US and the world were there.
i also got to pick up some shifts @ papa del's and party with all my people still in champaign. its amazing how many people are staying there this summer!

since then ive been chilling with the fam & my girls.
did check out the Green Dolphin (aka the Boom Boom Room) on Monday w/Becky, Katie & Morenz. I love that place. Incredible vibe, awesome people, and incredibly huge place with a garden path that leads to their private dock on the River. S'ecoute bien, n'est pas?

Ive also hung w/Jenny whos gonna be gone now for 2 wks in Europe :( & w/Dan and Jose.
Good times

So far no job. Which is both good and bad.
Good=more free time to relax and de-stress & go out
Bad=less money to go out and pay my bills with

We'll see how it goes.

gotta go to bed now
so tired, long day

adios todos
hasta la proxima

la verite

2005-06-17T02:28:00.000-07:00

as i'm preparing for post-graduate plans i find myself with a daunting task: for an application to a school I am extremely interested in, the California Institute of Integral Studies (check out the CIIS link under "My Passions" to the right) I have to include an autobiography.

Now, as you are all aware, I really don't have a problem with writing about either myself or any issues that may concern me at the moment. However, the problem I'm having with this task is this:

How do I present myself as a whole, without misrepresenting myself?

I may rant about one topic or another, but that doesnt necessarily mean that that one viewpoint defines ME. I am filled with ambiguities, declarations followed by negations, ideals confronted with hypocrism. For example, my pride is one of my most defining characteristics as my closest friends will attest to, however, I am modest and shy especially when receiving compliments (my boyfriend makes fun of me because to this day I cannot keep from saying "oh shut up" when he compliments me). I am such an advocate of feminsim, yet I can feel comfortable with a room full of boys and will "read" Playboys with my best friend Michelle. I am loyal to my friends and family and will back any one of them up, yet Im not afraid to call them out on their truths, even if it will start an argument. I excpect everyone to be honest with me, and find it hard to forgive those who are not, yet I will find myself making up excuses or stories with random authority figures to make things easier for myself. I admire hardworkers but will be the first to admit how lazy i can be.

How do I portray all these characteristics without sounding like a hodgepodge of ideals and hypocrisy?

And how do I write about the horrible moments in my life without sounding like a self-pity-ing, baby. I feel that the hardest times in my life, no matter how horrible it was at the time, is really what makes me ME. They are the foundations of my character.

But how do I write about a rape without it sounding like a pity-fest to this stranger?? How do I write about one of my best friend's attempted suicide without it sounding like I'm trying to buy my way into the college by making the administrators feel sorry for me? How do you show, that even though these events still live on in your soul, its actually the presence of it that makes you happier and stronger?

I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me about these incidents, because through these and other incidents like them, I have found the courage, strength and inherent good that exists in myself and those around me. I found so much love through these acts of hate and despair. So how do I present these events which are so vital to my "autobiography" without the fear that the wrong impression of me will be formed? How do I present myself as a strong, independent, collected woman instead of as a "victim".

Being a psychology major, having been interested in the nuances of personalities all my life, my past-time has always been trying to understand why people are the way they are. What caused my dad to become such a control-freak? What incidents led to my mom's obsession with a woman's purity and virginity? What reasons does this guy have to be so jealous? Why does that girl use sex to get attention? Why does my friend always quit her jobs? Why does my other friend always need to please everyone? And why does my other friend insist on being so stubborn? etc etc. However, its so much harder to turn the microscope around and try to figure out the why's and how's of your own life. And THEN they want me to try to explain it to someone else?!?

How do I write something so final as an autobiography when I'm still trying to figure out everything about my life? It is definately not finalized, I'm 21 for God's sake! I'm just a baby.

But I guess that's the point of a task like this; how well can u make sense of it all, during a period of life when for many, the "meaning" of their life is far from grasp?

and so, it begins...

2005-05-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

well the school year ended. i am now a senior. ive technically been a senior all year, but now im def a 4th year senior. im nearing the last strech of this chapter of my life. its so scary in more ways than one.

im going to have to worry about grad school in a few months, or peace corps, or wutever my after-undergrad-plans will be. that in itself is soo incredibly overwhelming: figuring out my future, figuring out my path.

then of course, theres the Boy issues. weve had many talks bout this, we both want to go off into the world post-graduation, we both have these worldy plans, Rich wants to teach english in japan, while I've always had my heart set on peace corps and now am thinking about school in san francisco. furthermore at the moment, he's in virginia for the whole summer. hard. 3 months without seeing eachother after being used to living at the most 30 minutes apart for the past year in a half. HARD. we are definately not used to it. this will definately be a struggle to be able to handle it well, to be able to stay sane. but were attempting it for now.

so now its the summer. i am so happy to be home with my home crew. i love these girls. they are my sisters. and all my fellow RB peeps. but usually the trend had been that the girls and i would hang out every other day, either by ourselves or with extended crews, and on the off days we'd hang with our respective bf's. so with Rich in Virginia, that leaves a lot of free time. wut will i do with myself? so many of my peeps from school who live in the chi-town area are staying @ champaign for the summer. So sad! I miss all of you! But ill be back on the 5th of june so everyone must come out with me! im waiting on a few to get in from vacation too so there will be them lovass to hang with. But i have a feeling i'm still gonna have quite a bit of downtime. lots of time with the fam i guess and hopefully thatll leave a good amount of time to work as well. god knows i need the $$. both to save and to pay off present debts to various cards, banks, and the bf =/

please, if anyone has a job for me, let me know! im in desperate need!

this summer should be interesting though. Finally 21! Which opens so many more doors here in Chi-town. Must say, my Bday was def a blast. Me and the girls and Jose and Dan hit up some swanky, trendy ass lounges/bars. One called Bella which was very chill and classy then after we hit up Le Passage, an even more trendier lounge bar. It was cool, we pregamed @ Dan's kick ass dowtown apt (32nd floor, on Dearborn, in the heart of the Loop, KICK-ass view!), then drove in Jose's Porsche to these swanky bars. I felt very grown up. very classy. very UN-CHAMBANA, and altho i couldnt have all my peeps from school with me(thanks for all the calls and im's guys! i LOVE YOU!!), I was glad I could have a cool 21st in some trendy downtown places like that. Good times. very fun. SO glad im 21 for this summer!

a bunch of us went to a bar last nite. James' Joyce or smthn like that. it was a lil pub. nuthin too special. but god am i happy to have access to alcohol like this here at home now. haha thats sounds sort of bad, but u know wut i mean :)

we'll see how the rest of the summer goes...

~*~*~
and so it begins, the last "free" summer of my life. and soon the last year of my undergrad career. so scary. i dunno if im ready to "grow up" yet. there's still so much more partying to do, so much more late nites and late mornings to take advantage of. so many more care free days on the arboretum i need to fit in. i am really in no rush to grow up. never have been. which is why this is becoming stressful

ahh

so scary...

and so, it begins...

pimping out Miss America Misrepresented

2005-05-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

"This medicine woman said to me,
'Do you feel that the soul of our mother land is in the right hands?"
I was saddened and quiet. Then she said to me,
'Would you turn over your physical mother to those who are in control of she who we call America?'
I said, 'Well, of course not'
She looked at me with piercing eyes, despite her humble appearance.
'Then how can you turn over your spiritual mother so that they have made Miss America Misrepresented so that she has been pimped out for the gain of those who can gain from her?'
She changed the tone of her voice. Without moving she rose up like a pillar and seemed to speak for all the ancestors from ages past.
'We, the caretakers of she who you call America, are giving you a key to the healing of this land. A generation must rise. That generation can be from two to one hundered and two. But this generation of which i speak must form a bond. They have an opportunity to have an intimate relationship with the sould of this land. The European Americans, the African Americans, the Latin Americans, the Asian Americans, the Middle Eastern Americans must now become caretakers of their Spiritual Mother, or they will be takers of their Spiritual Mother. Caretakers or Takers--you're either one of the other. If the masses keep taking and not caretaking, then your grandchildren will have very little to nurture them. The songs will be coming toyou and others who have heard the beating of our drums--you will need to listen. You must find your own relationship wih your true Spiritual Mother. Your loyalty should not be to anyone who claims power over the land at any given time, whose intentions can change on a whim, depending if they've been seduced by power and what it brings. You must see the signs, even in yourself, dear one.' "

~from Pieces by Pieces by Tori Amos

if the ancestors of the native americans are watching us all right now, I am ashamed and you know they are grieving for the land that they loved and respected so dearly. If someone was watching us from afar, aliens or other beings of one sort or another, I think they would be disappointed in the way we are handling our home. We treat the Earth as if She is merely some tool, some sort of product that we delude ourselves into thinking we own and can therefore sell and profit off. We forget its actually our home. Would we sell and use up pieces of our house? Chipping away at the bricks and tiles, selling bits and pieces until it was unsturdy and about to fall? I dont think so, yet thats the way we are treating the Earth

The Earth is not only our home, but our lifesource, our feeder, our shelter, our nurturer...She really is our Mother.

I find it sad that the only culture who ever truly cared for and took care of the planet has been nearly eradicated. The Native Americans, the only truly respectful and loving and caretaking of all of Earth's children, are the ones who got jipped on the inheritance...

almost there...

2005-05-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

wow the year is almost up. only 2 weeks, 1 weekend, 1 paper, and 1 exam to go!!!! then i will be in my last year of college! so weird that this chapter of my life is coming to a close. it feels like id be happy doin this forever. too damn bad all those classes get in the way of college life lol.

no but seriously, ive loved this, and watching all my senior friends moving on, moving out, and hopefully moving up is so unsettling. michelle, now i understand what you mean about hating change. its going to be so weird not having them around, and not having someone who's older be there with you. ahhh

the 2nd thing on my mind is my approaching 21st BIRTHDAY! only 16 more days to go. its bizarre that i'm finally going to be of age to drink legally. ive gotten so used to sneaking it, asking people to buy it for me and covering up in front of my parents since high school that i am amazed that soon, i will be able to order a drink at a restaurant without worrying when they ask to see my i.d. good times

ahh so weird, i dont know if i like this whole growing up thing.

but i guess theres no stopping it huh?? might as well enjoy it...

home for the wkend

2005-04-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

my family is crazy...

its all about who can speak over the other, who can tell the better(which means lamer) joke, who can win @ cards, who can yell the loudest, who can get the most attention, who can cook the best, who knows the most about anything etc. its all chaos, ridiculously long talks, your ear never rests, your stomach never rests, arguing, laughing, chaos.

this is how i grew up. both my parents can be complete children, selfish, childish, goofy, hilarious, asking for advice kids. then theyll snap into parent mode, strict, demanding, lecturing parents. it could be rather confusing growing up, not ever quite knowing if i should tell a joke or make a comment or not, if they would get upset or laugh, amusedly shake their heads or send me to my room.

i got really good @ sizing up people and situations. really good at reading through behavior to find out if someone was sincere, or if they were covering something up or on the verge of a tantrum. it taught me to almost always be on your toes, how to read a person and guess what theyre thinking but also that people dont always do what you expect them to do.

all in all i love my family. i am never bored at home. i'm either having a great time, or goin thru drama. its never a dull moment. its never quiet. its never lonely.

sometimes i feel like screaming and pullin my hair and ears out. but for the most part i love it. i learned from them that someone you can have an intellectual conversation followed by a stupid joke with is the best type of company. sarcasm and wit are priceless and life sux sometimes, shit happens, but as long as u stay true and loyal to yourself and your family/those you love itll all turn out ok in the end.

most of all i learned that you need alone time. its not bad to be alone at all. i know some people who cannot stand to be by themselves, they constantly need human contact, they need someone to talk to and be around...which is not bad, to a degree. But ive learned to relish my alone time. i've learned that your own private space, and those few moments when you're all by yourself, thinking, or reading a book, are one of the most important moments of your life. because if you dont know yourself and dont like yourself, you'll never truly know or like anyone else.

i adore my family. i'm so glad they are who they are. God knows we've been through rough times, horribly rough times, but the important thing is to always forgive even if youll never forget, and to move on and continue loving.

mmmm so glad to be home...

crazy weekend!!!

2005-04-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY

i woke up fri mornin after 4 hrs of sleep to finish up my Psychology&Law paper that was due @ 130. i finished it just in time (it was a kick-ass papa) and after turnin it in headed to campus sportswear to pick up the RB Barcrawl tshirts. they were awesome. i headed back to my place to do some last minute cleanin while i waited for people to pick up their shirts and arrive into town. Once everyone was in and i joined up with the barcrawl, the festivities began :)
it started @ 7pm chez White Horse and then continued on: 8-Geovantis -> 9-Legends -> 10-Murhpy's -> 12-Station. There were a ton of people who came down for the barcrawl. The total amount of people who attended was 53 PEOPLE!!! It was insane and a lot of fun. I had a lil too much fun seein as I dont remember anything after Murphy's and I woke up the next mornin to bruises and scratches all over my body. Apparently I threw up 4 times during the night, and I STILL woke up WASTED! Thank god I didn't have to work!!! I dunno if that woulda worked out so well.
random story: after Rich brought me home, i guess i passed out standing up. rich attempted to wake me up and started gettin worried when i didn't respond. he threw water on me-Nothing. shook me-Nothing. so he proceeded to slap me. over and over, harder and harder across my face trying to get me to respond to him and wake up. Finally, around the 7th time he slapped me or so, I apparently came to, realized he slapped me and said "What are you doing!!" and SLAPPED HIM BACK!!!!! hahahaha.
good to know i still reserve some pride even when completely belligerant =D

SATURDAY

Woke up around 9 am for some unGodly reason and was still wasted and feeling disgustingly horrible. Some peeps from home had stayed at my place (Cesar, Amy Ramirez, Jenny Ramos, Alex Munch, and Jon Altobeilli) so they were all there when i woke up and awake too. Agui, Palencia and Jose were supposed to stay @ my place, but since i got so beligerant and went home without them they just drove home around 5 am!!! :( sorry boys...

neways, so sat we all just chilled @ the apt. once my hangover disappeared (around 3pm)we all started playin random games and drinkin beer (props to Andy for gettin it for us) Rich and Andy joined us and we played a drinking version of Taboo haha. after, we headed to Art's bday celebration which got visited by the cops twice (once lookin for some random girl named Briana - no one knew why - and another cuz the musica was so loud) it was a good time. and Art got plastered. beautiful. thats the way it should be on ur 21st bday!!!

SUNDAY

sunday my guests left, and i recovered from the nite b4. i had a board mtg w/the LPA where we discussed the future of our org (future board members etc) its exciting how much the org. has grown in just this year! i can't wait for next year. there are so many possibilities! for more info on the LPA go to: www.lpablog.blogspot.com

after the mtg i got some work done @ the lab, stopped @ Suzie's for a bit. Art was there, alive thank god =D and mallory stopped by with this gorgeous collage she made of pics from Art's bday. it was so good and looked like it took a while to make! props to her!

i ran back to my place just in time. shannon and brian stopped by and we had some wine b4 we headed to C-Street for the Drag Show. luke joined us, as well as brian's sis. it was an incredible show!!!!! my favorites Amaya Mann and Ceduxion were there!!! as well as a lot of other really good Drag Queens. and they picked good songs to dance to. it was a lot of fun. i got pretty crunk again.=D everyone had a blast.
Below- picS of my 2 fave Drag Queens~ Miss Amaya Mann and Ceduxion. BOTH GORGEOUS AND SOO TALENTED!!!

TODAY

today is the Papa Del's Barcrawl. it should be a good time. we all get along really well. i luv everyone (well, almost everyone) i work with. so itll be a blast =D

i thought i had an exam today, but Rory just told me that its not today, but WEDNESDAY! yesss!

now off to Qdoba for some dinna w/rory so that we can use the LPA fundraising coupon thingies. 15% of each purchase made with the flyer today and tomorrow goes towards the LPA. BEAUTIFUL! =D

well im out
mwah!

update

2005-04-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

wow. it has been a crazy 2 wks since my last post. CRAZY.

#1 in my memory is the incredible ILLINI games. i luv those boys. im so proud to be an illini. we had an incredible season and an incredible week. the last three games were incredible even if we did lose the last game. the refs sure as hell didnt help, but it still caused for some well earned riots. The riots after saturday's game were incredible. so much fun. all u could see was orange everywhere u looked. the streets were packed like the taste of chicago. people were climbing onto store roofs, up lamp posts, on top of trees and the alma mater. chanting ILL-INI was everywhere, and there were high hopes for the next game. Green St (pic below was packed like the Taste of Chicago. there were supposedly about 10,000 people out there

Monday rolled around and the game was incredible. however, at the very end we were beat. it was close, SO CLOSE. but we were still beat. i felt like crying but kept it together, and made it out to the riots to be cheered up by everyone's psychoticness. we rioted as if we won, everyone still had a great time. the only difference was that instead of screaming VICTORY, we chanted "Fuck UNC" over and over until everyone was back in a good mood. some people had to be taken to the hospital for various stupidites, and a very few were arrested, but we kept our ILLINI pride and didnt make a fool out of our school.

rewind to Friday and i'll cover the LPA barcrawl.

THEME: "Is the glass 1/2 full, or 1/2 empty? ... Who cares just drink the d@** beer!"

it was def a crazy nite. everyone had a good time from what i heard and im def glad since it was my ass that got worked off to put it all together. after all the crazy hecticness of the nite, i was just glad that the LPA made a profit and everyone had fun. it was also fun cuz a lot of my peeps went: suzie and omar and art, edgar, jose, oscar and pedro. my LPA people (of course) hol, and christina, rory, lindz, and X. everyone got ridiculous and wasted (especially me) and had a great time.

recently school and barcrawl shit have been keepin me busy as hell. this friday is the RB barcrawl

THEME: "We RB-ing DRUNK"

a SHITLOAD of people will be comin in. the final order was about 50 tshirts and about 10 people will be stayin at my tiny apt PLUS me and my room mate. ich. we'll see how it goes. im just hoping that everyone'll be wasted enuf to not care where they sleep...

the monday after that is the papa del's barcrawl

THEME: "Our pizza's take so long cuz we're always this drunk"

it should be a good time. everyone at work is craaazzzyyy. they all love to party and we all get along. it'll def be an awesome time.

as for now however, its time for me to stop procrastinating and to get back to school work.

hasta luego!

Beauty Equals Power

2005-03-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

people always bring in their old magazines for other employees to read while on break @ papa del's and seeing as my options were either vogue or soap opera digest yesterday, i went with the former. so im on my break at work, and i'm flippin thru an old issue of vogue and I realize that on the cover there is a quote by an old english writer named Geroge Meredith and it reads:

A witty woman is a Treasure; a witty Beauty is a Power

Being a feminist, I went through a series of emotions when I read this.
First, I felt insulted that a man would say that a woman could not have power unless she was beautiful, I mean, look at Condoleeza Rice, or Janet Reno, or Hilary Clinton! They are not all gorgeous woman and they all have quite a bit of power! This then led to disappointment that a woman's magazine would print this on their cover where many woman would see it and perhaps believe it and feel that much more pressure on their looks. However, the more I thought about it, the more I just felt sadness because I slowly realized it was probably more true than not. Look at all of the actresses, singers, dancers that have succeeded. They are all beautiful. In fact you could probably count the number of female performers who have made it without the aide of gorgeous looks on one or two hands. The realization that this actually is true, mainly because we live in a male dominated world, brought a sense of isolation and despair.

What are we woman to do then?!? Do we retaliate? Become man-hating feminists who preach of our manipulation and exploitation? Do we succumb? Just say that is the world in which we live and therefore if we want to win, we must play their game and become gold-digging beauties who manipulate the men in return and make them think they have the control in order to get money or position? Or do we give up, hope that we get lucky and find a good man who will marry and support us and hopefully be ok with a woman working as well?

I know that today, things are much different than they were before when the feminist movement was bigger. Many men might complain that women who are feminists are only angry because they can't find a guy, or are too uptight, or are reading too much into things. But when I read quotes like that, which imply that in order to succeed not only do you have to be smart but be pretty so that the men are willing to listen to what you have to say, it makes me sad. For a woman's magazine to print that today says a lot.

The other day, a friend of mine was talking to me about how a prof of his was pointing out the fact that even though cooking is supposedly a female, domestic art, the best chefs in the world are still men. He said the professor said that it is mainly because we live in a male dominated world and therefore men will still be the "best" at everything. My friend said this so matter-of-factly. As if it was just the truth that men cook better than women in general. Could it be that after centuries of cooking in the home, women have not gained any expertise in the field?!? Or is it perhaps that those women who did, were not pretty enough to be sincerely heard by men. It is a proven fact that women have the same brain capacity as men, in fact, it has been proven that the halves of the brain in women, are more interconnected than they are in men. Not only are we equal, but surpass them in complexity then. How is it that society still instills a sense of women being inferior to men.

Yes, we are obviously weaker physically. And society seems to have taken this and turned it into logic for why man is superior to woman. But I dont feel that the power to kill or fight or conquer makes one superior. The ability to love and nurture living things, to give birth and create rather than destroy. It all sounds so flighty, but think about the fact that so much loyalty and reverance has been given to gods because they created our world. That power to create has been passed to women. Why aren't women revered so wholly throughout society?
I wonder what initially caused the first males to devise this idea of female inferiority. Were they afraid of that power to create that women held? Were they jealous of that ability, Knowing that all a man could do was to destroy? Perhaps they found it unsettling that a woman could claim to be a creator of a new life, the way their God did, and thus they found it blasphemous and tried to suppress any sense of power a woman might feel, just in case she attempted to assert her God-like role in the world?

I dont know. I wonder.

I wonder what would have happened if it all turned out differently. What if, at the beginning, women asserted their creative powers, and men responded not with fear but awe. I wonder what if they revered them and looked up to them and protected them out of love and not a will to control. If they saw a woman as a power through which society could thrive and grow rather than simply a tool with which to create new soldiers. What would have happened if the rest of the world also followed suit to those few indigenous tribes who were matriarchal. What would have happened, then, if the world today were run by women?
Haha such a ridiculous idea right? Everyone always laughs at the notion of women ruling the world. They say, "oh! they would be having tea parties over which they would discuss world politics along with the latest fashion, how much they just LOVE cameron diaz's new hairstyle etc". Sad. That we women are in such a position of inferiority that the idea is laughed at. LAUGHED at.

As far as what we should do. I dont know. Men laugh at feminists, so to be an outright feminist usually doesnt get anyone anywhere. THe feminist movement, sadly, is NOT what gave women equal rights. It is a known fact that what caused women to gain equal rights along with minorities was a joke. A southern senator did not want the amendment to get passed, so in an effort to make it even harder for others to approve it, he laughingly said "Hell! We want to give blacks equal rights? We might as well put women on there too!". They did, and luckily it got passed. But it was all a joke. We woman have equal rights on a fluke.
So obvioulsy feminism doesnt work. Men laugh and scoff at it.
Do we just give up and give in, attempt to be pretty little playthings for the enjoyment of men?

I cant do either. I dont know what to do.

good company

2005-03-21T13:15:00.000-08:00

i'm all alone in chambana. well. almost alone. i have a few friends and a few aquaintances with which to pass the nights. i also have work, where god knows i have more people contact than i would like. i have my boyfriend who has been helping me pass the days and its been lovely. considering i wont see him all summer, its nice to have a week together, with almost just us. but at times like these, while waiting for him to wake up (its 1pm by the way) i am alone, yet i'm not lonely, so far. and i'm reminded of sartre's quote:

"If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company."

...i think i'm in good company.

update =D

2005-03-14T12:36:00.000-08:00

sat susie hosted a rendezvous which started off segregated with the boys all sober and playing video games while the girls were gettin wasted playing drinking games with hard alcohol. haha who woulda thought we girls really are bigger partiers than the boys. =D

as more people showed up though we desegregated and i tried gettin more people drunk. music was put on, people started dancing and we girls started gettin a lil touchy haha. to quote susie "if only you knew what liquor can do to a group of women..... there was ass touching, with some titties grabbin.... if only u were there to watch this happen...it was HOT!!" HAHA. it def was.

we finally headed out and hit the sack. i passed out the second my head hit the pillow.

sun i woke up to a headache and stomache ache but pulled myself togetha in time to go to Guido's with edgar, marty and rich to get some food and watch the ILLINI barely kick wisconsin's ass. sheesh it was a close one! (...so pathetic) after, i talked to my fam and found out my lil sis got a partime job workin as a hostess @ Greek Island, a kick ass greek restaurant in chi-town. Apparently jesse jackson comes in every monday and tommy lee was there last week. The coat check girl had just gotten fired so they put her temporarily in the coat check room workin with this other kid. in 5 hours they made $100 EACH in tips alone! thats f'kin insane!!!! i made $94 working from 10-5 @ papa del's on sat but i worked my ASS OFF speed walking non stop for those 7 hours and stressin out and havin to suck up and keep all my tables happy all day. ugh. i wish we had some kick ass restaurants on campus where rich people would tip me $5 for taking their frickin coats. oh well...c'est la vie, n'est pas??

i later hit up the comp lab to finish up a paper for today so that i could be free as a bird sun nite and attend c street's drag show w/chika, brian and michael!!! (everyone else ditched us. thanks a lot! puttin school work ahead of me!!! [shakin my head]) =D
the show KICKED ASS!!! they had a dating game theme so they got 2 guys and 2 girls and hooked them up through a dating game with some same-gender hotties. well, they werent all that hot. lol. chika and i were slightly harassed by "Debbie" a 40-something year old man who was dressed like a woman and WASTED. haha he taught us that men were like SHOES, u gotta try them on and see how they fit before you buy any HAHAHA, he also relayed the fact that he loves men "with big cocks" and sorta forced us to agree that we did too. HAHA good times. the drag queens were gorgeous as ever and there were some KICK ASS costumes. i am SOO gonna be a drag queen for halloween.

aight back to this paper that i need to put the finishing touches on.

i have a long ass day to look forward too: paper, class, barcrawl shit, class again (6-8pm), research till 930 then FINALLY relax.

leave me some luvin peeps.
mwah to todos!!!

ciao

'tis an interesting life...

2005-03-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

ugh. again. another long day of work. i made a lot of money. and i'm gonna relax and drink w/my girls and boys. but im just soo tired.

wed i went to cstreet w/Brian. good times. the bf and friends met up with us there. one of the incredible drag queens remembered me and said hi and hugged me, an fat asian girl tried to pick me up ALL nite (she would not back off!!!), and i made friends with one of the bartenders :) brian and i took our traditional tequila shots but cuz the bartenders luv us, they gave us each a DOUBLE SHOT for free. it was a HUGE tequila shot and needless to say, after a few long islands, a double gin & tonic and a beer, i was plenty wasted. at least brian didnt get as belligerant as last time haha

thurs i worked, then hung w/the bf for a relaxing night.

fri (yest) i went out with the roomie and susie to go see million dollar baby, and the world was right, its a very good movie. i didnt cry, but i was almost there. VERY GOOD. after we went out with some other friends to legends. i saw so many people there from all different parts of my life. some peeps from PAR, some peeps from work, and some peeps from RB!!!! (ceasar and some of his boys came in to visit! it was so random yet great). later we went to perkins for some dinna and i saw MIKEY! my dawlin, workin.

tonite after a LONG DAYS' WORK, im just gonna chill w/peeps @ susie's shes havin a ''get together" which means liqua!!!!!!!!! haha jokin. but still, who ever said drinkin ur problems away is a bad thing??? what a load of bull =D

tomorrow= DRAG SHOW @ C STREET! YES!

im out
mwah

2005-02-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

it feels like ive been living at papa del's lately. ive been pickin up shifts and workin more than half the week for the past 3 wks now, its gettin so i wanna shoot myself everytime i pass the building. i worked last nite, tonite and im opening manana. at least after that i'll have a 2 day break from that place. ugh i find it pathetic that the other day when i went out i had 2 people say to me at the bars "hey! waitress @ papa del's right?" ... i'm there too much...

on a lighter note, last nite was fun. went out for susie's bday to legends. good times. the girls bonded over our same gender crushes for angelina jolie (we all agreed wed jump at a chance to get in bed with that woman) and apparently i kissed susie on the lips for a pic lol. no memory of that. i got mighty drunk and woke up to a HORRIBLE hang over this mornin which was still goin when i went to work. my eyes were so blood shot everyone thought i had just smoked up or smthn. my eyes were darker than my skin. i looked really creepy. luckily joe had some eye drops which helped some. my tables were still sorta creeped out tho lol. prolly thought i was some druggy... ha ha

im ready to start my next painting but as usual have painters block... this last one ended up aight, altho my buddha looks more like a cute south park character rather than a wise leader, oh well

so sad. friday night and im stayin in and about to go to bed. i better make some money tom @ work. otherwise i just might cry...

aight peeps. im out
mwah to todos

hope everyones havin fun tonite

ciao

seizures...

2005-02-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

so this morning i wake up after a crazy nite around 930 am with a horrible hangover. i laid in bed for a 1/2 hr until i had to use the bathroom. i get up and somehow make my way to the bthrm when suddenly a familiar feelings comes over me. this fuzzy dizzy feeling in my head begins and i suddenly want to throw up and cry. i felt the seizure coming on. suddenly i drop to the floor and in an odd state of consciousness i'm aware that my whole body is violently shaking and that i cannot stop it. my head is banging against the mat on the floor (thank god i fell on our fuzzy bthrm floor mat and not the tiles) and my whole body is convulsing. all i can do is cry and struggle to make it stop even though i know i can't.
its weird cuz even tho i'm aware of whats going on, i dont feel fully conscious. finally it stops and all i can do is lie there and cry.
i made it back to my bed and proceeded to lie there, afraid to move for the next 3 hours.

sigh

i guess i should go see the doctor considering this is now the 4th time this has happened to me. it seems to be caused by heavy drinking. although i dont understand why. maybe ill ask my psych professor and see if they know if theres some mechanism in the brain triggered by certain drugs?? or maybe its just my body's coping mechanism for alcohol poisoning? i've heard that seizures sometimes do occur in people who have alcohol poisoning but its weird that b4 a seizure i just feel like its a hangover, after i'm fine except for pain in my head, and it always has happened the morning AFTER a night of drinking.

whats wrong with me??
if neone has any ideas let me know. please.

the meaning of life...

2005-02-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

the other night i was up for so long. i couldn't stop my mind from racing. after reading for a bit, and continuing to think, i felt that i hit upon something important. i took out my "idea log", a journal of sorts, and wrote it all out. that entry will be posted later, but for now lets say that i've hit upon something big...i think.

men!

2005-01-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

so on sat night i went out to a couple of parties. the second one of which was at Rory's house. everything was fine, i was pretty drunk and havin a good time, partyin and dancin. at one point i was talkin to some guys (dont really remember what about ) and we were just chattin. suddenly, out of nowhere, one of the guys just shoved his hand down my shirt between my breasts!! i was so fucking shocked and pissed that this guy had the nerve to do that. i was wearing a somewhat low cut shirt, but that's no excuse. i was so enraged that i took my FULL cup of beer and poured it down the guys head all over him. i drenched him in beer and he apparently just left the party all pissed after that. well too fuckin bad. i hope he learned that he cant just do whatever he wants to just any girl.

afterwards however, apparently one of his friends said to one of my friends that i deserved it and was asking for it because I was wearing a shirt like that. when he told me i was so enraged. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? suddenly I'M the one at fault??? this guy can get away with it simply because of the type of shirt i was wearing?

apperently whenever a girl is wearing something revealing, it gives a guy the right to grab her?

its the old sexual harrassment/women's rights cliche: a woman should be allowed to wear whatever she wants without the fear that she will be assaulted because of it. i've never had that strong of a feeling one way or the other about that but now i know what they mean. its ridiculous that a guy wouldnt be able to control himself and then turn it around and blame the girl for "tempting him"

in some islamic countries the women are forced to wear burqua's that cover their head whenever they walk out of their homes. they are also supposed to wear big, baggy dresses that cover up any shape to their body. they are not allowed to show skin or hair in public. this is mandated by both their religious and political laws. and WHY??? because it is assumed that it is the WOMAN'S fault if she is raped. of course! she tempted him! there is no responsibility on the man's part, he just couldnt help resisting the temptation of the "evil woman"

so are we to assume that all men are morally weak? so pathetically weak that they cannot resist temptation from a woman? are they no better than dogs picking up the female in heat? are men nothing more than animals with no moral fiber when it comes to sex? this is pathetic then that we women are the ones who must suffer due to men's lack of self control. its pathetic that this idea has held for so long that even today the old islamic rules of a woman having to cover her body up still remains valid.

women should be allowed to wear a low cut shirt without the fear of being attacked or bothered. i shouldnt have to worry about whether or not i'll be harrassed every time i get dressed to go out. and if i am bothered it isn't my fucking fault. its the fault of the morally weak bastard.

i find it ridiculous that a guy in this day and age actually said that i deserved that for wearing a low cut shirt. an educated guy who goes to a liberal university, in these modern times no less!

i feel sorry for you men then. it must suck to be at the whim of your sexual desires all the time. it must suck to feel so torn every time you look at a girl you're attracted to. it must suck to have to restrain yourself from jumping on a girl whenever you get horny. it must REALLY suck to be a slave to your sex drive. its sad.

and i suppose then i understand why you would feel the need to reverse the blame to women. it probably makes dealing with that a little easier if the fault can be shifted to someone else.

Men: learn how to control yourselves and learn how to harness the sex drive. You are NOT animals. So stop acting like you are or using it as an excuse to get away with your selfishness. Not every guy who sees cleavage is going to grab it, so those of you who do have no other excuse than your lack of self-control.

all right
im done ranting for now.

hasta luego

hola

2005-01-09T01:37:00.000-08:00

hello. just thought id check all this out and throw up a random ditty...

i love this
crazy, tragic
sometimes almost magic
awful, beautiful
life